Also, given my feelings about how makeup should be a sort of performance art, you would think I would be all about black cat-eye liner, but I hate how I look in black eyeliner.
… do they make liquid liner in other colors? This might be more fun.
ETA: YES THEY DO. I want gold and brown liquid liner.
I feel really weird about makeup.
When I was young, I fought so much with my mom for my right NOT to wear it. I was not at all comfortable presenting in a feminine way up into college — probably because it was always in the context of being coerced to do so by my mom.
But — now, how do I feel about it? I am not a femme person, but I’ve never been sure if that’s because I don’t like doing femme or because I felt that it was off-limits to me because of my fatness/bad skin/poor profile. Likewise, I don’t know if I don’t like playing with my appearance because it’s not something that interests me, or because I have pretty much dissociated from my body entirely (because I am fat and disgusting, because sex is bad, because women who care about their appearance are superficial bimbos*.)
I don’t want anyone’s regard for me to be influenced by how I look, because I’ve only ever thought about how it could be negative. I don’t want pressure to “keep up appearances.” I don’t want to give people an opening to say what’s wrong with me. I want all makeup experimentation to happen in an environment of, “This is play. This is a hobby. This is a kind of performance and I can stop anytime I like.”
* Messages I have received, not things that I logically think are true.
I am apparently impossible to live with.
Roommate 1: moved out after two months because she wanted her own room.
Roommate 2: requested not to room with me after end of first year.
Roommate 3: requested not to room with me after year and a half.
Flatmate 4: sent me semi-frequent emails about cleaning. Asked if I was avoiding him constantly.*
Flatmates now: leave a steady stream of passive-aggressive sticky notes.
ARGH. WHERE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO CAN TOLERATE ME AND ARE NOT HUGE ASSHOLES ABOUT CLEANING?
*he emailed me to come pick up some mail, but I’ve been ignoring it because after his last nasty emails I pretty much never want to see him again. Yuck.
Things I really want (but will not ask for, because they are mostly very selfish/IMPOSSIBLE.)
From my mom:
Never talk about anyone’s weight in front of me ever again, especially not people in our family.
Do not ask about stressful things with upcoming deadlines unless I bring it up.
Do not ask about changing my medication. Actually maybe just don’t talk about my personal health at all.
From my dad:
Read some history books not focusing on naval battles in the Pacific during WWII so we have more to talk about when I call.
From my brother:
Set up a regular phone date with me so I know when to call you.
From my sister-in-law:
Same, but with Skype and niece-baby in tow.
From my paternal grandma:
Come visit me in Switzerland. It would be fun! We could take a nice driving trip around Germany, France, and probably England! I would feel less guilty about showing you around the place I live than I do when I feel responsible for doing cool things so you can travel vicariously through me!
From my maternal grandma:
Go with me to Japan for a couple weeks. You’ve studied the language for so long! You would love it there! I want to go back! WITH YOU!
Friends in my master’s program:
Organize an outing that has nothing to do with skiing and invite me. Organize several.
Acquaintances in lab:
Invite me to events without me having to ask.
Either be my friend again, or admit that you did some things wrong that led to me getting hurt.
Have lunch with me when I (hopefully) visit New York/Boston next year.
Assure me that you’re not embarrassed of me even though I’m the least successful one in our class, and so far as I know, the only one to have a semi-public mental breakdown.
Let me visit you and possibly sleep on your floor.
IN JUST OVER AN HOUR I WILL HAVE CLEAN DRY UNDERPANTS!